and my eyes burn from crying

it's half past eleven on a wednesday night of a normal school week
and my eyes burn from crying.

my papers are all due tomorrow,
but i haven't even started.
my stomach is empty.
my heart is weak.
my arms are still sore from today's swim training,
my hair still wet from the shower.
but my lips are dry
and my eyes burn from crying.

it really hurts today,
but i haven't even tried.
my mum never showed me how to stitch.
my fingers never learned how to fix things.
my mind never realized that it needed fixing.
because my heart has been weak.
and my thoughts are tired of being thoughts.
and my eyes burn from crying.

i wish this poem was brilliant
if only things would stay the same.
my life is a pure chaos
don't even try to understand.
my stomach will be empty,
my heart will tear apart.
my mind will dream of dying
and my eyes will burn from crying.

about that one love that breaks you before it shapes you

He was like one of these books you can't let go off until you know the end of the story.

He let my mind blossom and grow like the branch of a young tree.

And i soon became dependent on the sun he showed me and the water he gave me, and found myself desperate to read every single page of his mind.

His words for me where like the cigarettes for him. 

But he was worse than nicotine.

More like a storm, a turnado carrying away everything and everyone. Like a big wave surprising you from behind. Boom.

And while i was just a little fish, he was the entire ocean.

You can see the surface but noone really knows what was still hidden in the dark depth of his waters.

Mysterious.

Magical.

And oh, so fascinating.

But i was just the little fish who got lost in the sea current.

Instead of teaching me how to swim he was drowning me, and i didn't see until my lungs were already filled with water.

To be honest, i was totally fine with him killing me. But then i thought, there might be someone out there who'd be fine with me killing him.

So I walked away.

Not too far, never out of reach. I never left. I simply walked as far as i had to go to be able to breathe again.

And he watched me from the distance, and turned his head.

And i figured maybe it was always meant to be that way.

The clocks kept ticking, and the stars kept sparkling and the birds kept waking me up every morning. But from time to time i came back to the coast to dig my feet into the warm sand and while i sat there listening to the waves that told his stories, i whispered

thank you for being my ocean. i hope one day you will find someone who can be yours

it's 4:21am and my hair smells like vodka

i think it was the feeling of lightness that soothened me so much that i craved for it to never leave my body ever again

i was longing for my brain to stop thinking

i didn't want to function anymore

i have reached a point of my life where i needed to control everything and everyone

and my body collapsing somehow feels like an intense relief and a goddamn sensation at the same time

I am losing my vision, even the blurred lines are fading

my hands are shaking, my face feels numb, my entire body begins to shake, tremble, fall

i don't know whether this is me going up or going down

actually, i don't really know anything anymore besides the taste of this vodka lingering in my throat

and i would be terrified about how fucking fine i am with that if I would still be abe to be terrified at all

but thats exactly the point; I ain't terrified. This kind of numbness doesn't numb the joy, it numbs the numbness that numbs the joy

I am still falling

but I have forgotten that one day I might hit the ground

and in the end, that was the only reason why I kept raising the glass 

i still believe in the universe

In this bruised world

full of forgotten dreams and wasted lifes,

in a society that's all about functioning, achieving, perfectioning

i like to believe in magic

and infinity

and a happy ending.

i am still fascinated by the simple idea of true love,

and i will keep making a wish at 11:11

call me crazy, maybe i am

all these people, people like you, they are lost, you are lost and brain washed, and you tell me

if someone still believes in the impossible, that person must be mad

so go ahead, call me mad, because maybe you're right, maybe i am out of my mind

but even when i'm standing on top of the ashes of my own home

and there's noone left to be loved, nothing left to be saved

i will look up at the sky

and i will patiently wait for a shooting star to spend my dying wish on

you might have all the money and the weapons,

feel free to put me in a cage, lock me up and break my bones

but doesn't it kill you, knowing that you can take my life but never my dreams,

that's the one thing, the one thing that makes me stronger than you.

I will not surrender as long as i have a soul full of hope in this world full of despair.

You might have given up on this earth,

but i still believe in the universe.