it's 4:21am and my hair smells like vodka

i think it was the feeling of lightness that soothened me so much that i craved for it to never leave my body ever again

i was longing for my brain to stop thinking

i didn't want to function anymore

i have reached a point of my life where i needed to control everything and everyone

and my body collapsing somehow feels like an intense relief and a goddamn sensation at the same time

I am losing my vision, even the blurred lines are fading

my hands are shaking, my face feels numb, my entire body begins to shake, tremble, fall

i don't know whether this is me going up or going down

actually, i don't really know anything anymore besides the taste of this vodka lingering in my throat

and i would be terrified about how fucking fine i am with that if I would still be abe to be terrified at all

but thats exactly the point; I ain't terrified. This kind of numbness doesn't numb the joy, it numbs the numbness that numbs the joy

I am still falling

but I have forgotten that one day I might hit the ground

and in the end, that was the only reason why I kept raising the glass